Farmyard Follies
ROSIE: Of course you’re not henpecked, Clarence!
If you were, I’d tell you.
Our neighbor (my mother, Randa) has a talent for viewing a photo and immediately giving it a caption. She began posting our animal photos with her captions on Facebook, where she found a receptive audience. We found it only fitting to include some of them here.
Ethyl takes a look underneath the car. Myrtle kicks the tires. Opal emerges from underneath and yells, “Hey Joe! How many eggs do you want for this jalopy? It’s pretty old but we can take it off your hands if the price is right.
A Guinea, a hen, and a rooster with a feather duster walked out of a bar. . . .
CLARENCE: Do re mi fa so la ti do ti la so fa mi re do! Gotta keep my voice in practice.
ROSIE: Right Clare. But practicing all day long is not necessary. At. All.
Clarence: Quiet! Quiet! I said QUIET! Not one more cluck! Not one more squawk! The sky is not—I repeat—NOT falling! It’s a leaf, Henny Penny! A leaf!
BREAKING NEWS! Chicken Squawk Gang caught red-handed decorating goat barn with graffiti! Leader was recorded on tape demanding more barbed wire to complete their fowl message. Two still stand firm on claims of innocence. Three admit they don’t have a leg to stand on.
Committee Meeting at Durbinshire.
Flopsy: This is the most boring meeting we’ve ever had….and I’m the chairman!
Rosie and her fan club are watching to see if she has been accepted to audition for The Voice. They hope her personality and enthusiasm make up for any deficiencies in her singing. Rosie desperately wants to meet Blake Shelton.
Okay, I’m ready for my photo shoot—new designer dress with a lovely soft gray overskirt and a patterned underlay beneath it. A beautiful feathered ruff—yes, ruffs will be big this season. What? What do you mean my lipstick is smeared?
OPAL: So…..Joe, you strike a hard bargain. The idea—saying all the eggs in the world wouldn’t buy this old car. Look, it’s got rust in the wheels.
JOE: That’s not rust. You’ve smeared mud to make it look like rust. I’m not sellin’ it.
OPAL: We’re just trying to help you out, Joe. You don’t drive it much and it would make a great 2nd Chicken Emporium. Best of all, you can just open the trunk to gather the eggs! We’ll have this old thing paid off in no time.
JOE: Forget it, Opal. I ain’t sellin’.
OPAL: Hmmph. Some people just don’t know a good deal when I explain it!
JOE: I ain’t sellin’. And give my keys back.
BENJAMIN: Mama! Is this how us goats get tired?
MOPSY: No, baby. Tires and tired are two different things.
BENJAMIN: Why Mama?
MOPSY: I don’t know. Ask Joe!
BENJAMIN: Mama, why are those old brushes nailed to that post?
MOPSY: So we can brush our coats.
BENJAMIN: Why?
MOPSY: So. . . I don’t know, baby. Ask Angie.
BENJAMIN: Mama, I think maybe they are there so you can give me the brush off.
MOPSY: Could be, baby. Now it’s your nap time so stop asking questions for awhile.
BENJAMIN: Why Mama? Is that ‘cause you’re so tired?
MOPSY: Very funny.
FELINA: Hazel, learning to walk gracefully is your first lesson in my new charm school. Now watch carefully, and walk this way.
HAZEL: I’m trying Felina! I’m trying!
FELINA: Now Hazel, think of yourself as a cat—-oozing gorgeous feline gracefulness with every step. Contract your abdominal muscles, and we begin! Now observe carefully.
HAZEL: I’m observing, Felina. Awww! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to walk like a feline cat.
FELINA: There’s Sam the Wonderdog! Let’s ask him.
HAZEL: About what?
FELINA: (sigh) How to help you learn to walk as gracefully as a cat.
HAZEL: Oh. Sam, how can I learn to walk like a cat?
SAM: (offstage) I thought you was a dog!
HAZEL: I am! . . . I guess.
SAM: Well, there you go. Just hold your head up, be proud to be a dog, and don’t try to be a cat.
FELINA: You are no help, Sam, whatsoever!
Now how are we supposed to put on these masks? I don’t think this is going well.